With eyes closed begins the dream.
This dark simulacrum, which has tormented me for more than a year, begins the same way every morning.
In my dream I cannot see my surroundings so I must use my other senses, I reach my hand above my head to feel the pattern on the wall paper, then I slide it over towards where my book shelves should be and sure enough I find them, I feel every corner, every edge, every imperfection, “Is it real” says a voice that sounds like my own, at this time I notice the sheets that have been hugging me all this time and I pull them back so I can authenticate my own being, everything in this dream appears to be as it is in my wakened state, but I can’t help but feel like it is only a mirage, leading me on, and taunting me as it does.
Suddenly I am hit by a jolt of electricity, it does not do damage, but causes my muscles to shudder, more like a cold breeze, but then the breeze becomes a gust of wind, forcing me against the wall, I am dumb struck, “who are you?” I hear the voice say again, there is no response, but I can feel a heavy force holding me against the wall, I try to move but I am paralysed with fear and confusion, and then, and then something new, I hear a voice I don’t recognise, so soft that it floats through my head but so sharp it can cut through all this chaos to reach me, it says “come to me”, it’s words are drawn out and warm like a breeze on a summers day, and with it the storm quietens, I get up from my bed and follow the voice towards my window. I encounter no obstacles on my way but do not notice as the voice has me in a trance and leads me closer still.
When I reach the spot where my window should be I reach my hand out and feel it’s smooth surface and with the tips of my fingers I work my way down to find the handle and find it unlocked, I push the the window open and step out on to the ledge. The feeling of warmth is much more intense here, I hear my voice again “who are you?” and another warm breeze brings the response “come to me and you will know me” I edge my foot towards the edge but then a thought comes to my head, what if this is just more taunting? what if this is the same dark heavy force luring me towards it, I hear the voice again “come to me and you will know me” I edge my foot closer to the edge and feel some rubble, I push it over the ledge and wait for the sound, I wait for what seems like an eternity and hear nothing, I back against the window and realise it is ice cold and I know that that dark force is behind me, what I can’t figure out is whether it is trying to draw me back, or trying to push me forwards, for now I remain on this ledge, caught in a choice, to have faith and risk falling into nothingness, or to go back to the darkness that seems so familiar, but for now I remain on this ledge.